What We Didn’t Say “Yes” To

Sometimes I feel more like that now. Like the brightness in my eyes is gone. Like part of that hopeless romantic, naïve, “Happily Ever After” woman died when her daughter died too. Like there’s still plenty of laughter and love and even happiness inside of me, but that their optimism doesn't quite reach all the way up anymore. And that it might not be fixed until Heaven.

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You Have No Idea

And I wonder how many other people I walked by that day, and the many days since then, who are going through things I have no idea about. Who else is suffering silently as they wade through life in a sea of unsuspecting people? People who have no idea what they are going through? I know how invisible I feel walking through the grocery store, waiting in line at the bank, talking to a complete stranger at the park. I can’t be the only one. I KNOW I’m not the only one.

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Thy Will Be Done {Because Then Nothing is Wasted}

Thy will be done. This phrase is a challenge for me to let go. A giving up of control. It's an opportunity to recognize that nothing in life is a waste when I let God use it for His purposes. An acceptance that while brokenness and death and pain and sorrow and grief and sadness were never a part of God’s original plan for this world, that His will is to use those things for good. If I am willing to let Him.

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I Don't Know What to Say

Since our 20 week ultrasound when we were told our daughter probably wouldn’t live, and since our daughter passed away at 33 weeks along, people have said a lot of things. And since that 20 week appointment, and since the passing of our child, I realized more clearly that I was hurt by the kinds of words that tried to fix our pain. And I was comforted by the kinds of words that simply acknowledged our pain. 

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We Both Lost Our Unborn Child {But It's Different}

Some have tried to say that losing our child must be worse for me, because I am the mom. But that is not true. My pain is not worse. It’s just different. To every father who has lost a{n unborn} child: your grief is important too. It might be different. It might not be processed or expressed the same as your wife's grief. But your thoughts, your feelings, your timing - they are all valid. They are important too.

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Empty

I know that someday I might even feel at peace and be grateful for this experience and all that it has taught me. I know that someday things will get better. But why won’t that knowledge numb my pain right now? Why do I still just want to curl up on the floor and weep? Why do I feel so empty? Empty arms. Empty womb. Empty heart. Empty pit in my stomach. Hold me, Jesus. And while you’re at it, please hold our precious daughter Aliza for me too. Your precious daughter, Aliza.

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I Choose Joy

And I hope that in your life, in your circumstances, in your happiness and sadness and laughter and anger and pain and fear and worry, that you will choose joy too. It's not an emotion. It's in spite of emotions. It's not pretending everything's okay when it's not. It's in spite of life running a muck. 

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