Am I Enough?

All the pretty photography on this sparkly new website was done by the ever-talented Bradley Productions.

All the pretty photography on this sparkly new website was done by the ever-talented Bradley Productions.

I remember the first time I wrote it down. 

Probably because I typed it up in a Word document: 

Thursday, January 09, 2014. I want to write a book for adults. And get it published.

Honestly, whenever I read that sentence now, I think it sounds like I want to write a porno. But I promise, that was never my goal.

It became my little dream. Wouldn't it be so cool to be a published author?!

I started blogging...scratch that. {I think I hate the word "blogging" more than the word called "Moist."} I started writing when we moved to Guatemala in 2011. And then when I became a stay-at-home mom who desired a little extra brain activity after hours of peek-a-boo and breastfeeding, I realized that writing was more than just something I liked to do to keep in touch with family. I loved it. {You can check out my old blog at this link here.}

Friends and family were ever-encouraging too. "Write a book!", they'd say.

So guess what? I did. Scratch that: I tried.

But it turns out, you don't just write a book and get it published. You have to sell the idea of your book first. So, I created a book proposal, sent it to different literary agencies, and I waited.

Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious. How the days drag by when you're waiting. 

During these dragging days, I started hearing a whisper:

Am I enough?

But it wasn't my ever self-conscious mind inquiring. It was my Heavenly Father.

Am I enough for you?

Even if your dreams don't come true? Even if your life doesn't always turn out the way you hoped? Will you still be satisfied in Me? 

During this time we were also praying to have another baby. We did the math and thought, "A summer baby would be great!" I can't remember ever feeling so full of life as when I saw those two pink lines. My baby itch was scratched, and I was thrilled.

But then the bleeding started. And again, the whisper:

Am I enough for you? Even if your dreams don't come true? Even if your life doesn't always turn out the way you hoped? Will you still be satisfied in Me?

During those weeks of unknown, those weeks wondering if our baby was going to live {because how can a baby in the womb survive that much bleeding?} I alternated days of "everything's going to be okay," with days of crying and barely lifting myself up off the couch to still be a mom to Toddler.

I wondered if I was supposed to bargain with God: "Lord, I don't care about the book anymore! Just let our precious baby be okay!" But for some reason I don't think God likes being heckled. 

And then I heard back from two of the agents:

"No." And "Not yet."

They liked my work, but either they had other similar authors they already represented, or they understood the money-making market of publishing too well and realized that in reality, I'm not popular enough to sell books. "Your following isn't large enough. You need a bigger platform."

Am I enough for you? Even if your dreams don't come true? Even if your life doesn't always turn out the way you hoped? Will you still be satisfied in Me?

At a second ultrasound following the two weeks of heavy bleeding, I waited again. Knees up to my chin, legs in the stirrups. {Is there a more awkward position on the face of Planet Earth for a woman to bear?} This time the minutes dragged for all eternity.

But there it was: our baby's little heartbeat blinking on the monitor.

A miracle.

Our baby is a miracle. And is now 19 weeks healthy.

But I still hear the whispers:

Am I enough for you? Even if your dreams don't come true? Even if your life doesn't always turn out the way you hoped? Will you still be satisfied in Me?

Because as a child of the Father, a daughter of the King, it's a question I need to ask myself every day. A question that sometimes I answer with a happy heart, and sometimes I answer through gritted teeth, sobbing on the couch:

"Yes, Lord. You are enough for me. You are enough for me, even if my dreams don't come true. You are enough for me, even if my life doesn't always turn out the way I hoped. I will be satisfied in You. You alone."

And I have come to believe that one of the greatest acts of worship is simply this:

Gratitude.

The ability, like Job, to say "Thank you, Lord, for what you have given me. Whether you give or take away, may Your name be praised."

It's not always an easy way to worship. Like I said, sometimes I have to grit my teeth to pray those words.

But as I venture on with this love I have for writing, and as I work to develop this sparkly new website with pretty pictures, as I create this new Facebook page in hopes of sharing the love and making my writing more accessible, as I pray I won't be overcome with letting this joyful hobby become an idol or the source of my self worth, I continually remind myself: 

Nothing can satisfy as Christ does. 

Nothing compares to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. (Philippians 3:8)

And with that knowledge, moreover, with that peace that surpasses all knowledge and understanding, I live on. I write. I enjoy with the fullest heart these little flutters and kicks of life inside my growing belly.

And I pray the same peace and knowledge of Christ's love will bless you through all of life's dreams and disasters, directions and detours.

Grace and Peace,
Kendra