All tagged Depression

When I Am Weak

Thanks to my first trimester fruit-basket-upset of hormones, I rarely felt like myself for the first four months of this pregnancy.

I’ve had depression before, but never while pregnant. Chronic nausea and cold winter and bouts of the flu likely didn’t help. Though I have taken anti-depressants before, they're not considered safe during the first trimester of pregnancy. 

I was operating out of weakness: unable to muster energy to do the usual cooking and playing and tidying for my family. Unable to write or find the desire to socially share. Unable to leave our four walls and pretend I was fine. The culturally appropriate question to ask a pregnant woman is, “How have you been feeling?”

But I can’t say that the culturally appropriate answer is, “Depressed.”

Life Would Be Easier if We Didn’t Have to Live It {And Other Lies Depression Tells}

But mostly, I felt ashamed.

I was supposed to be happy.

I mean, I was happy sitting in the hospital room, holding our precious newborn baby boy. I hadn’t felt that happy in a really long time. But in the six weeks since he was born my hormones came crashing down, I had no motivation to do the things I usually liked doing, and there was a huge knot of anxiety on my chest when I faced packing up our apartment into boxes. All I could get myself to do was sit on the couch and stare at the empty boxes, frantically rocking our colicky baby and trying to handle a strong-willed toddler.

A rainbow baby was supposed to be the wonderful conclusion to a really tough couple of years. But now here I was, filling out a quiz that would tell me I don’t get to decide when the hard stuff in life is over.